Hell No to Hmmm, Maybe Read online

  Hell no to Hmmm Maybe

  Considering counseling?

  Making an informed and thoughtful decision

  By Carolyn Klassen

  Hell No to Hmmm Maybe

  Considering counseling? Making an informed and thoughtful decision

  By Carolyn Klassen

  Published by Carolyn Klassen, Winnipeg, Manitoba

  ©2019 Carolyn Klassen

  All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning, or other—except for brief quotations without prior permission from the author, except as permitted by copyright law. For permissions contact: [email protected]

  Please note that this ebook may contain hyperlinks to external website which cannot be verified for accuracy of these links beyond the date of publication.

  Note: This book is for informational purposes only and does not provide professional advice. It is not intended to replace the professional services of a therapist.

  ISBN: 978-1-7751751-8-6 ebook

  To the wise souls who showed up for therapy. You who taught me that even when it feels brutal to walk through the counseling door, you could courageously do it anyway. Your insights have taught me so much.

  And to Mary who, over the years, has drunk gallons of coffee with me every Thursday morning. Our little table is a sacred space of deep belonging for me. You have loved me, challenged me, and laughed with me. You are inspire me. I am a better version of me because of Thursdays with Mary

  Hell No to Hmmm Maybe

  Considering counseling? Making an informed and thoughtful decision

  Section I

  1.Who this book is meant for

  2.What this book is not

  Section II Real reasons not to go for counseling

  3.You have a supportive community around you

  4.You have a supportive community around you

  5.You are grieving normally (and painfully)

  6.You are moving through with healthy coping

  7.You are not in a place ready to do the work

  Section III Empty excuses for why people avoid counseling

  8.Therapy is for sissies

  9.Therapy is intimidating

  10.The therapist will just blame my mother

  11.It ain’t my problem

  12.I should be able to fix this myself

  13.Therapy is expensive

  14.I might cry

  15.The floodgates will open

  16.Therapy is selfish

  17.I’m strong enough to do it on my own

  Section IV Real reasons to Choose Counseling

  18.To get the bottom and deal

  19.We all need a safe place to connect

  20.To stop one problem that was created when fixing another problem

  21.When stop gaps stop working

  22.Desiring more than mediocre

  Section V Special Interest: The Counseling Conundrum

  23.Counseling for Depression: The hardest part is just getting there

  24.Counseling for Anxiety: A million reasons to be anxious about therapy

  25.Counseling for Trauma: Dealing with the triggers that stop you

  26.Counseling for Addictions: Getting help for a problem you can’t admit you have

  27.Counseling with Couples: If you aren’t both happy, it isn’t a happy relationship

  Epilogue

  Section I

  1 W

  ho this book is meant for

  You may not need to read this whole book. You have some concerns and so you’re wondering if you should go to therapy. You’re curious to see if this book can address the internal barriers that interfere with making an appointment for therapy. Someone who cares about you wants you to go for counseling and you simply have never thought therapy would be for you.

  Look at the table of contents and check out the chapter titles that resonate with you. This is one of those books, where I’m hoping that even reading 4 or 5 pages makes it worthwhile. For some of you, buying this book to study a single chapter might be worth it. It could change your life. If it does, write me to let me know—I’ll read it and get back to you. I promise.

  Read just what is relevant.

  Maybe someone handed you this book to say, “I think you should go for therapy, and I know you will hate the idea so here is a book to prove you are wrong.”

  That’s harsh.

  It’s difficult for anyone to have someone that cares about you tell you that you need help.

  That probably stung a little.

  Or a lot.

  The temptation is to feel offended. You might even feel the hurt of feeling judged—if you can get past the irritation of being ticked off.

  If someone handed you this book, and it carries with it an implied or explicit message that you should be in therapy, you will probably hate reading it.

  No one enjoys being told what to do. I feel for you.

  It will be offensive if someone gave you this book as a strong hint, or maybe even as part of an ultimatum: Read this or else! The natural reactions of resentment, anger, frustration, or distrust are real. And they aren’t comfortable.

  But what if—just, what if—someone gave you this book because they care so much about you, they are willing to annoy you? Because they want you to get help even more than they want to be liked by you.

  You know that, deep inside every one of us, there is a profound longing to be liked. It is no different for the person who gave you this book. That person didn’t get up this morning asking: “What can I do today to get you furious with me?” I suspect they may have given it a sober second thought as they analyzed the pros and cons of getting this book to give to you. They weighed the risks.

  The person who gave you this book knew you might pull away, and yet they gave you this book because they feel that the possible payoff could be worth it.

  Receiving and reading this book may be a softening into the fact that they care about you. They care so much about you they went out of their way to find this book, buy this book, and then risked your anger to give it to you.

  What if that person who gave you this book has a perspective that you can’t possibly have, and because of their different viewpoint, has an ability to recognize something you can’t know?

  Perhaps this book from a treasured person in your life actually says this, in code: “I love you and I care about you and I want better for you,” in paper form? You may not agree with the thinking behind the giving, but maybe you can still feel the love?

  If you’re willing to consider that this book is in your hands because someone cares enough about you to invest in the relationship, maybe you’ll respond to that expression of care by reading even a chapter or two.

  ◆◆◆

  Perhaps you picked up this book because you realize while you don’t want to go to counseling, there is this little niggling feeling that maybe, just maybe, it could help. Maybe you picked it up because you are managing—but your world seems more work than it should have to be. Perhaps you’d like to be closer to loved ones but can’t work out how to pull it off. Or maybe you’re annoying people and you can’t figure out how to stop pushing away those you care about. Maybe you’re just feeling stuck. What you had planned didn’t happen—and now you don’t know where to go next.

  It is possible the burden of those anxious feelings or the heavy dread of depression has just become too much. It is possible the meds aren’t doing what they’re supposed to do. Now the doctor has suggested therapy and you don’t know if it is right for you.

  The panic attacks are too much. The triggers stir up feelings that are too powerfu
l. The leaden feeling is making getting out of bed too hard. The joy is gone, the patience is short, and the anger an all too ready sledgehammer to push people away.

  You can’t imagine that therapy will do any good, but what’s happening right now isn’t so effective either.

  The barriers inside of you persist in making the task insurmountable. But there is this little piece inside that is aware there could be “more”. That inner Yoda knows that talking through something that you might never have whispered aloud would be a release for you. You would have let go of a tremendous burden that you didn’t know was so heavy until it was gone.

  There is a little part inside you that dares to question the North American message that says, “I can do it all by myself.” Because, sometimes, when you are honest with yourself, you admit that doing it on your own hasn’t been all that successful.

  Do you, somewhere silent deep inside, have a part that just doesn’t want to do this all alone anymore?

  I’m wondering if you’ll consider reading just a chapter or two, the ones that feel like they might be most relevant.

  ◆◆◆

  Maybe your partner has said: “We go to couples therapy, or we’re done.”

  Now, that’s a kick in the gut, isn’t it?

  It’s difficult to do something that you’ve seen no value in, especially with a gun to your head. I call the one giving the ultimatum the “dragger”—one spouse drags the other to therapy. The spouse, by default, is the “draggee”.

  Being the draggee in therapy feels awful. It just does.

  Trust me, it’s no picnic for the therapist either.

  You are concerned about being blamed, for being labelled as a bad spouse. Well, it wouldn’t feel fair, would it? And being blamed and labelled certainly would not help anyone understand who you are underneath all the stuff your spouse complains about. It’s likely that your spouse has been suggesting therapy off and on for years, and you’ve always put it off. “Not now,” or “I don’t feel like it,” or “It’s not that bad. Let’s just try harder.”

  But this time, you detect a tone of utter seriousness to the edict: “Therapy or I’m out of here.”

  So, you’ve never thought of therapy, but you value your partner and your relationship enough, that you find yourself considering therapy—almost against your better judgment.

  And so, this book ended up in your hands.

  ◆◆◆

  Perhaps your daughter, or your spouse or your best friend has attended therapy. They rave on and on about who their therapist is, and what their therapist says, and how the last session went, and what novel and exciting feelings they are experiencing. They are excited about the work they are doing in counseling in a way that boggles.

  It’s confusing, too. So many of us are raised to believe we should be able to solve our own problems and that we shouldn’t “air our dirty laundry”. Maybe you’ve picked up this book to understand who goes to therapy and why, because this newfound passion that a loved one has for the work of counseling just puzzles you.

  ◆◆◆

  Maybe you have a child or a grandchild or a friend who is attending school to be a counselor or a psychotherapist, and you just don’t get it. Maybe you’re like my dad—a great guy—but he doesn’t completely understand what his daughter does. I mean, I know he’s proud of me—but he’s also perplexed that I have a thriving practice; that people wait for months to have focused hour-long discussions with me. He finds it fascinating that anyone would pay me to have a conversation as a professional, when people are constantly chatting with each other all the time. My dad is an accountant, and his thinking is, “When you can have conversations for free, why would you pay for one?”

  Many of us have grown up in a world where we have been taught to believe that people should just “pull themselves up by their bootstraps”. This line of thinking implies: “Don’t talk to anyone. Just make the changes.” This book can shed some light on the whole counseling process—why folks go therapy, what therapy does, and why so many find therapy life changing. Going to therapy isn’t avoiding responsibility; it is accepting responsibility.

  ◆◆◆

  Use the contents of this book as a springboard for discussion with the person who gave this book to you. Choose an idea that you read about here to start a conversation with your dragger-spouse.

  Consider highlighting some lines in a chapter and bringing it to your first session of counseling so that your therapist can understand what:

  you are seeking

  terrifies you

  your deepest longings are

  concerns freak you out so much that you’re not even sure how you will get yourself on the therapist’s couch the first time.

  Therapists love to do an effective job, and if you can let them know, as you walk in the door, what part of this book got you there, that probably will be helpful. It will give them a heads up on topics they should wait on, or go slowly on. It might help them understand what they should not do as you start your sessions.

  You get to be you in therapy.

  You know the spots that are exquisitely tender, and you know what buttons that shouldn’t be pushed lightly or early. This book may give you language and tools to walk into the therapist’s office able to speak proactively in ways that will make the whole therapy venture not only do-able, but have great success.

  ◆◆◆

  I often talk to clients who have come to therapy after years of resisting the internal messages that say, “DON’T GO TO THERAPY!!”

  They have wrestled with themselves. They have continued to struggle with disconnected relationships, with depression or anxiety. They acknowledge the sense that says, “There must be a better path forward!”

  It’s one thing to know that therapy is a favorable idea in general, or for others.

  It’s a whole other thing to know that, “Getting a therapist is the direction for me to pursue.”

  ◆◆◆

  Your concerns and questions are important. You aren’t strange in having doubts about therapy. You aren’t alone in resisting the idea of therapy.

  I’ve listened, because, quite simply—and profoundly—my clients are my teachers. I’ve listened to their stories and apprehensions, and hearing how they have grown, and how their perspectives have changed. This helps me better understand those who have not yet crossed the therapy threshold.

  Everyone is different, to be sure. Your reservations to therapy will be unique to yourself.

  But I write what I’ve learned about the hesitations folks have to therapy that they have shared with me over the years. I will also write about how they talk about those doubts after they have been in therapy a while.

  The wisdom in these pages comes from decades of carefully listening to clients—some of whom came only after years of hesitation and resistance. I have been writing a blog on our therapy center’s website, for about 10 years. You can read some of these stories and thoughts on the site. As new clients initially come, they sometimes refer to one of these blogs and how that impacted their decision to come to counseling.

  2 W

  hat this book is not

  This book does not deal with external barriers to therapy—the factors in life that make therapy hard to access. To be sure, those external barriers are real and important. These barriers are, however, beyond the scope of this book. Examples of external barriers are:

  Therapy costs money. Some of you have limited resources and have an inability to pay the fees therapists charge. Some areas have free counseling or offer a fee based on your income on a sliding scale. Those resources tend to be in high demand and often have lengthy waiting lists or strict criteria which can exclude many people who want the services. The counseling that you long for is beyond your reach because of cost.

  Therapy costs time. Maybe you are a single parent with two jobs, drowning in your own challenges and those of your children. You might be a graduate student with a job on the side
and you’re overwhelmed by assignments and to do lists that get longer and longer no matter how many items you try to tick off. Therapy is an investment of time: not only for the time in session and the travel to and from the therapy office, but also the time processing the session.

  People who live in remote locations often don’t have access to qualified and competent therapy within their area. You may have some unique circumstances in your life where you feel that local resources are not sufficiently skilled or sensitive. Issues like race, gender, sexual orientation, eating disorders, trauma may need a more specialized approach than your area can offer.

  Those external barriers need addressing.

  Absolutely.

  I trust that you will be creative in knocking on doors, developing alternatives, and advocating for the help you need to create the space required to do the work.

  Don’t give up on your own healing.

  Please.

  Your suffering matters. Your story needs witnessing.

  You are too important not do to what it takes to be the best person you can be. The contribution you make to this planet is vital. You are uniquely gifted. You have a unique place amongst your family and friends that allows you to influence

  ◆◆◆

  This book doesn’t help you decide who you should see.

  If you think you might need medications, and you haven’t had a physical checkup in some time to rule out biological factors that impact on your mental/emotional/psychological health, start with talking to your family doctor.

  Social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists, psychotherapists and marriage and family therapists can provide counseling. Some spiritual leaders like priests, pastors, rabbis or imams may be helpful for counsel. It’s often helpful to check around on the internet to determine who might be best for you. There is absolutely no way to replace positive recommendations from people you trust.